So, here we go. One week. One diet. And too many carbs.

I'm on the diet from midnight tonight. But first!

Why the hell am I doing this? Well, the main reason is because, as far as I can tell, there's no logical reason as to why I shouldn't. I mean, it looks okay on paper. In fact, it looks actually alright, and this is coming from someone who (as a student I may add) used to have cheeseburgers with an onion ring and a Bernard Matthew's mini kiev on top. Yay! Board of Guardians diets were created specifically with nourishment in mind, and so I can't imagine I'd be deficient in any way. I mean, all the major food groups are there. Carbs. Ummm. Carbs. And Carbs. Crikey. That's a lot of carbs! Hmm.

Dr Seki Tjani says "Ensure you are choosing wholegrain complex carbohydrates and combine these with an equal serving of protein". Does tea count as protein? "choose the healthy fats, avocado, nuts, seeds, flaxseed or hempseed oil and extra virgin olive oil". Ahhh. Like I said, does tea count?

"Changing your diet may be bad for you, and you should first discuss any change of diet with your physician". Ahh. Well, I would have, but I couldn't get an appointment.

So, tonight was shopping night. I needed to stock up on tasty goods, but how to replicate the genuine Board of Guardians experience? The only way - ASDA SMART PRICE! Hooray! And each tin of soup was less that 20p! How the hell can the soup cost less than a plastic bag does in Lidl? This is no soup. This is son of soup. This is probbably second-cousin-twice-removed of soup, or a kind of liquid that once went out with soup but broke up shortly afterwards becasue they had so little in common. And Stewed Steak. Stewed in what? And even looking at the label, you have to admit that really, that's some very liberal definition of steak they're knocking about there. I'd go for 'meat'.

So why Smart Price? Well, Boards of Guardians had a very small budget to work with, and as the dietary shows, everything had to be exactly measured out. Combine this with a very harsh attitude to pauperism and a lack of Michelin starred chefs and we're talking bargian basement food. Paupers had to be fed on less than kids get for school dinners today, and had a much lower calorific intake than convicts and hospital patients. You weren't meant to stay there long then.

So - here's the haul for the week!


Please note, the Gin and Absinthe behind are not part of the diet. Or the tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

So, what's my plan? Well, it's a blinder. Fill myself up *tonight* with food so I don't get hungry as much tomorrow, which will lead to a gentle introduction to the programme. It HAS to work! I mean, I always feel full after a big meal until well into the day after. I am well aware my logic may be totally flawed by the way.

And so - the last supper, thanks to the Pioneer Indian in Dewsbury for the feast below. And they gave me the chapattis free as well!


So. After a bottle of lovely beer, it's to the diet we go tomorrow.

It's going to be fun. Ish.

******* Thanks to everyone who's donated to Kidney Research UK to date! You're all amazing!********


http://www.justgiving.com/garybrannan